Exciting times people. Big Gord has called an unexpected snap election for May. Didn’t see that coming. Still, now it’s on it’s way I may as well disappear up my own fundament and start yapping about the commonality between politics and music and all that, the kind of stuff that makes me look the twat.
I’m going to save Captain Roberts the effort of putting another massive Stuka disclaimer against this by doing it myself and advising you all not to think too hard about this. It’s just a bit of glib nonsense I widdled when I should have been buffing my thatch. If you want to find some kind of truth amongst these lines then go for it, but don’t go blaming me. Ok, blame me a little if you must, but don’t send me poo in the post. Ok, send me poo in the post if you must, but don’t get my real name or address wrong. It’s Fancy Pants Dave, the Eton Dandy; c/o Conservative Campaign Headquarters; 30 Millbank; London; SW1P 4DP*.
Anyway, in the spirit of the time we’re living through, I’m now about to explore my tenuous, poorly thought out link between music and politics in a blasé and ultimately ill fated attempt to remain both topical and relevant.
Music and politics are highly similar in the way they influence our lives. No, seriously, forget all that oiling the wheels of society, taking the big world-changing decisions, holding millions of lives in the palm of your hand stuff.
This isn’t about Bono (except for a little bit). Music and politics are exactly the same. Exactly the same. Both toy with our emotions, making us happy, making us sad, depressing us (most of the time), elating us (on rare occasions), bringing us hope and delivering us unto pain. As you will doubtless extrapolate from this, politicians are also a lot like musicians. Look at the evidence. I can’t think of one politician who isn’t trustworthy, reliable and always there for us whenever we need them, just like musicians.
At the same time, who could name a single one of either oeuvre interested in lining their pockets at the expense of the public or having their own portaloos kept off limits to the great unwashed. Can you? If you’re not yet convinced, here’s some illustrative examples of the similarities between Popitics and Politics for you to chew on.
1. Gordon Brown and Rage Against the Machine – Had their biggest hits some time ago and were never that good anyway. Number one last Christmas but probably wont be number one next 25th December.
2. David Cameron and this year’s X-factor winner – No one really likes them, no one really likes what they’re saying. Everyone knows that the people don’t really want them. However, thanks to blanket media coverage and an apathetic public, they’ll probably be number one this Christmas.
3. Nick Clegg and Bonnie Prince Billy – He’s probably pretty good but not many people bother listening to him. A bit like BPB.
4. Lord Ashcroft and Simon Cowell – Machiavellian backers behind a bunch of Muppets who they relentlessly push into the public eye to serve their own means and help them grow ever richer. The driving forces behind programs that begin with idiocy and move on to banality, inexplicably convincing huge portions of the population to follow them along the way.
5. Peter Mandelson and Iggy Pop – People keep overlooking the dodgy things they’ve done in the past. They’re big sell outs but you have to admire the fact they’re still influential after all these years
6. Vince Cable and Damon Albarn – I’d trust my money with one and my ears with the other. Nuff said.
7. John Prescott and Oasis – Big gobbed professional northerners who had a moment mid 90’s when everyone thought they were quite good but had sadly been found out by 1998. Both like a pie and a punch up.
8. Nick Griffin and David Bowie – Both wonky eyed and slightly freakish. As famous for the outrageous things they did in the past as for anything they do now.
9. Tony Blair and Bono – Incredibly rich, appear to possess massive God complexes and exude the sincerity of lying schoolchild. Enjoy wading into overseas issues that don’t really need them involved and still hanging about sticking their oar in despite no one wanting them around.
10. Maggie Thatcher and Cliff Richard – Fondly remembered by a few, hated by most, still alive by all accounts.
As for the parties…
a) The Green Party and Coldplay – Bunch of hippies who everyone pretends they like but no one really listens to.
b) UKIP and Pete Doherty – Obsessed with Albion, but does anyone really care any more?
c) The Liberal Party and The Rolling Stones – Absolutely massive once. Must be due another comeback soon, but probably won’t be as good as people hope they will be.
d) The Labour Party and U2 – Ostensibly bands for the people but have grown distant and removed from the man on the street over the years.
e) The Conservative Party and Gary Glitter – Fucked the minors in the past. Do you really want to give them a chance to do it again with today’s youth?
So there you go. Politics, music, can’t tell the two apart. Wonder who you’d have in your Rock and Roll Cabinet.
*PS. Don’t send poo in the post, especially not to this address. It’s not clever, it will get you arrested for terrorism and me arrested for inciting terrorism.
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